According to “The Best of the Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” I share the following insight to the Annual November Myth, otherwise known as,
THANKSGIVING.
Pilgrims: Guess what? They never called themselves “pilgrims.” After all, what does "Pilgrim" mean? Let's break it down, "Pil" is something you swallow. And "grim" means not good. So, why would anybody call themselves a nasty grim tasting pill? No, these people called themselves “saints.” The audacity of these people, huh? I mean saint-hood should not be self-proclaimed unless you’re a pro football team in New Orleans. Am I right? You don’t just go around saying, “Hi…I’m St. Tedi…or “Glad to meet you, I’m St. Sharon.” (Although I do understand why you might make that distinction about us). Anyway, these so-called pilgrim-saints were high and mighty folks who thought their turkey sh*t didn’t stink, I guess.
And speaking of Turkey: No, No, No, People!!! Put your carving knife down! They never touched the turkey. They must have thought it was “foul.” They ate DEER. Yes! BAMBI!! Now, who wants to shove a baby deer in the oven and wait for the little red thingy to pop out of its butt when it’s done??? Not me!!!
“Religious Feast and Indians? First of all, what Indians?: Another myth. The Indians were NOT present. Why? Because they were hiding trying to avoid the so-called “target shooting” game the “Saints” were playing with their English muskets. Yes, it’s true. This so called religious feast wherein the white people were making friends with the locals is HOG WASH. This was no religious festival. They were pigging out on Bambi, shooting their muskets, and drinking “strong water.” Yes, that’s what they called their alcohol. And, let me guess….the guy making the “strong water” was named Mr. “Saint” McCormick!!
Big hats, big buckles, the Pilgrim Costume: Nope. That’s not how they dressed. The artists that portrayed them made all that up. They were trying to portray the “saints” as boring and old fashioned. The truth is they wore spandex. It was easy because they only had to make a small piece of it in their knitting looms and it would stretch to cover even the largest lard-ass “saint” in the colony.
So, as you sit at your Thanksgiving table gathered with your family, talking, ad nauseum, over all the things you’re thankful for, there’s another “holiday” worthy of your smug recognition. It’s known as “Holocaust in the Forest” day celebrated by America’s deer population in memory of those that gave their lives for the “Saints.” May God rest their souls. Amen and Amen…Praise Jesus…Amen.
Pilgrims: Guess what? They never called themselves “pilgrims.” After all, what does "Pilgrim" mean? Let's break it down, "Pil" is something you swallow. And "grim" means not good. So, why would anybody call themselves a nasty grim tasting pill? No, these people called themselves “saints.” The audacity of these people, huh? I mean saint-hood should not be self-proclaimed unless you’re a pro football team in New Orleans. Am I right? You don’t just go around saying, “Hi…I’m St. Tedi…or “Glad to meet you, I’m St. Sharon.” (Although I do understand why you might make that distinction about us). Anyway, these so-called pilgrim-saints were high and mighty folks who thought their turkey sh*t didn’t stink, I guess.
And speaking of Turkey: No, No, No, People!!! Put your carving knife down! They never touched the turkey. They must have thought it was “foul.” They ate DEER. Yes! BAMBI!! Now, who wants to shove a baby deer in the oven and wait for the little red thingy to pop out of its butt when it’s done??? Not me!!!
“Religious Feast and Indians? First of all, what Indians?: Another myth. The Indians were NOT present. Why? Because they were hiding trying to avoid the so-called “target shooting” game the “Saints” were playing with their English muskets. Yes, it’s true. This so called religious feast wherein the white people were making friends with the locals is HOG WASH. This was no religious festival. They were pigging out on Bambi, shooting their muskets, and drinking “strong water.” Yes, that’s what they called their alcohol. And, let me guess….the guy making the “strong water” was named Mr. “Saint” McCormick!!
Big hats, big buckles, the Pilgrim Costume: Nope. That’s not how they dressed. The artists that portrayed them made all that up. They were trying to portray the “saints” as boring and old fashioned. The truth is they wore spandex. It was easy because they only had to make a small piece of it in their knitting looms and it would stretch to cover even the largest lard-ass “saint” in the colony.
So, as you sit at your Thanksgiving table gathered with your family, talking, ad nauseum, over all the things you’re thankful for, there’s another “holiday” worthy of your smug recognition. It’s known as “Holocaust in the Forest” day celebrated by America’s deer population in memory of those that gave their lives for the “Saints.” May God rest their souls. Amen and Amen…Praise Jesus…Amen.
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