SHARON HAS GAS -- GAS WELL, THAT IS

Hello All: In case you haven't heard. I can't imagine ANY of you not hearing about the gas well that has been installed some distance away from Sharon's house. She has been whining incessantly about it. I don't understand why. It's just a tiny little gas well drill kinda, sorta, near her house. Look at the pictures and conclude for yourself. Could you live with this? Feel free to post a comment.

WHY DO PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE PUSSIES? FIND OUT IF YOU'RE PUSSY DRIVER

Post by Tedi:

Dear Readers: With this blog entry, you are asked to take the following test to find out if you’re a pussy driver. Answers at the end of the test. NO CHEATING!!

1. When driving down the interstate and the posted speed limit is 55 mph, I travel at
A. 50
B. 55
C. 60
D. 60 minimum

2. While driving in heavy traffic, I notice a short cut could be taken but it would require me driving over a solid white line. I take the short cut because by doing so, I will aid the traffic flow by removing my car from the situation and I will get to my destination faster. True or False.

3. When driving down the road and talking on my cell phone, I suddenly lose all control of my right foot as it automatically eases off the accelerator for the duration of my call. True or False.

4. When merging on to an interstate, I travel at the posted ramp speed or less gently merging into traffic taking special precaution to avoid flipping my car. True or False.

5. I’m stopped at an intersection in the left turn lane. The light is green and I’m waiting for oncoming traffic to pass so that I may execute my turn. While waiting, my car is BEHIND the white line. True or False.

6. While driving down the interstate, I drive safely in the far left lane going the posted speed limit or slower. True or False.

7. When people pull out in front of me and/or change lanes and cut me off, I do one or more of the following: Honk my horn, Cuss at them, or Introduce them to the Tall Man. True or False.

8. While driving, I’m in no hurry. The vodka/tonic I’ll have when I finally arrive to my destination can wait. True or False.

9. My passengers always feel safe and comfortable riding in the car with me. True or False.

10. I never cuss while driving and I follow all laws of the road. True or False.

Question 1. If you answered anything but D, you’re a PUSSY!!!
Questions 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10: If you answered True to any of these, you’re a PUSSY!!!
Questions 2 and 7: If you answered False to either of these, you’re a PUSSY!! Learn to drive!! MEOW!!

WHO NEEDS A XMAS LETTER WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY AN ENTERTAINING FEATURE FILM?

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

THANKSGIVING – THE DAY THEY SHOT BAMBI

Posted by Tedi...

According to “The Best of the Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader,” I share the following insight to the Annual November Myth, otherwise known as,

THANKSGIVING.

Pilgrims: Guess what? They never called themselves “pilgrims.” After all, what does "Pilgrim" mean? Let's break it down, "Pil" is something you swallow. And "grim" means not good. So, why would anybody call themselves a nasty grim tasting pill? No, these people called themselves “saints.” The audacity of these people, huh? I mean saint-hood should not be self-proclaimed unless you’re a pro football team in New Orleans. Am I right? You don’t just go around saying, “Hi…I’m St. Tedi…or “Glad to meet you, I’m St. Sharon.” (Although I do understand why you might make that distinction about us). Anyway, these so-called pilgrim-saints were high and mighty folks who thought their turkey sh*t didn’t stink, I guess.

And speaking of Turkey: No, No, No, People!!! Put your carving knife down! They never touched the turkey. They must have thought it was “foul.” They ate DEER. Yes! BAMBI!! Now, who wants to shove a baby deer in the oven and wait for the little red thingy to pop out of its butt when it’s done??? Not me!!!

“Religious Feast and Indians? First of all, what Indians?: Another myth. The Indians were NOT present. Why? Because they were hiding trying to avoid the so-called “target shooting” game the “Saints” were playing with their English muskets. Yes, it’s true. This so called religious feast wherein the white people were making friends with the locals is HOG WASH. This was no religious festival. They were pigging out on Bambi, shooting their muskets, and drinking “strong water.” Yes, that’s what they called their alcohol. And, let me guess….the guy making the “strong water” was named Mr. “Saint” McCormick!!

Big hats, big buckles, the Pilgrim Costume: Nope. That’s not how they dressed. The artists that portrayed them made all that up. They were trying to portray the “saints” as boring and old fashioned. The truth is they wore spandex. It was easy because they only had to make a small piece of it in their knitting looms and it would stretch to cover even the largest lard-ass “saint” in the colony.

So, as you sit at your Thanksgiving table gathered with your family, talking, ad nauseum, over all the things you’re thankful for, there’s another “holiday” worthy of your smug recognition. It’s known as “Holocaust in the Forest” day celebrated by America’s deer population in memory of those that gave their lives for the “Saints.” May God rest their souls. Amen and Amen…Praise Jesus…Amen.

REINCARNATION - IS THAT YOU PAT?

Well Miss Ninja Bear Tedi, since you brought up the reincarnation thing and how you don’t believe me when I said that you don’t necessarily hold your gender when you are reincarnated……..I thought google could help and low and behold wahlah!.......I found the answer on askmoses.com!!!!. Who knew that in between writing the 15 commandments (he dropped one of the tablets) that he would have time to answer shtewpid questions. http://www.askmoses.com/en/article/614,2056954/When-one-is-reincarnated-do-they-always-come-back-as-the-same-gender.html.

Dina: I have a question about reincarnation. are you familiar with this subject?
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: a little
Dina: when one dies, do they only come back as the same gender?
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: ordinarily a male is reincarnated as a male and a female is reincarnated as a female
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: there are times when the opposite occurs, but that is very rare
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: there are times when a human soul is reincarnated into an animal or plant but that is also rare
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: and very uncomfortable for the soul
Dina: so it can happen?
Dina: so, how does one know if a male is reincarnated into a female?
Rabbi Eliezer Gurkow: this is not something the ordinary person would know ………OKAY, STOP THE PRESSES. SHARON IS NO ORDINARY PERSON. SHE WOULD KNOW.

Sharon “The World of Knowledge” Woolard: Perhaps I can answer this Dina since the Rabbi doesn’t have a shitclue.
If a male is reincarnated into a female, she would know that she was a man in a previous life because she would always be LOOKING FOR A DINGUS THAT ISN’T THERE! She would always have a fascination with her crotch but have no idea why. She would also refuse to ask for directions if she were lost and always know how to fold a map. She would have an inclination to ask for a woman’s phone number but yet not really want it. She would never be completely happy with one woman and always have the perverted desire to sleep with 2…at the same time. She would also get much joy out of hearing various body parts expel gas. She would not wash her hands after using the bathroom. She would now be able to multi-task and have a mental and emotional capacity that did not equal a moose but most of all she will wonder why she is paid less for doing the same job she did in her previous life. OH now that was good!!!!

Oh and the part about a human reincarnated into an animal being uncomfortable for the soul. My as*!!! A human man would love to be able to come back as a dog and be able to lick their own dingus all day long.

I am so glad that I am not Yiddish otherwise I would have to actually believe what Rabbi Gurkow says.

There ya have it…….just ask, all ya got to do is ask.

VODKA - PRAISE JESUS

Ya know Vodka is plain and simple a gift from God. If you are a vodka drinker, you know that they can vary in taste. The more expensive = the better tasting vodka……..period.

Vodka goes with almost everything. I recently tried it with Gatorade blue frost…..excellent! You can mix it with any type of juice, hell it probably even goes with milk. I am going to try it in my captain crunch……I already know that it goes with fruit loops.

I hate it when you go into a bar (a place of business that their business is simply liquor) and you ask what their house vodka is and they don’t know. They look at you as if you have asked them what the exact figure of the national debt is or if they know who won last years world series (ha, you don’t remember do you?) More frustrating is when they look at you as if you have asked a ridiculously shtewpid question. They usually walk off shaking their head and mumbling….. f*cking alcoholic, f*cking house vodka……yeah, miss vodka, I’ll make you special drink. Tedi and I went into a bar in Oklahoma City and asked what their house vodka was before ordering our vodka tonics. The waitress's reply was “regular”. Yes they served “regular” vodka at this bar and they apparently also serve unleaded and diesel vodka too. So we ordered us up some “regular” vodka tonics and asked her if she could give us a lube job and check the air in our tires too!

When you ask what the house vodka is, 9 out of 10 times it is McCormick which is essentially butt vodka. I don’t know what the folks at McCormick are doing even attempting to make vodka. They should stick to making parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Gawd, that should be the name of a song! If you google how vodka is made you will find that it is made from food items containing starches: sugar beet, molasses, rye, potatoes, wheat and other grains. Smoother vodka is made from grains, such as rye or wheat. Rougher variants are made from potato, molasses or sugar beets.

McCormick must fall under the “rougher” variant of vodka and they must be using rotten potatoes, 100 year old molasses and beets that have been growing in a septic field.

Ok so now you are wondering just what my favorite vodka is………It is without a doubt Ciroc. Ciroc is made from French grapes. Yes FRENCH grapes! Don’t give me any sh*t about France gawd-dammit. I already did my patriotic duty and gave up French fries for a week. I know I dissed on McCormick but I will probably be buying it by the gallon when I am an old decrepit alcoholic and spending my entire social security check on vodka.

REINCARNATION – IT’S NOT A REPEATING FLOWER

Post by Tedi:

Ever so often, Sharon and I engage in some pretty serious topics of conversation and the other day, our topic was “reincarnation.” Now, I know some of you don’t believe in it at all because your religion won’t let you (brainwashed). BUT, let’s just say for argument’s sake that there is such a thing. I stated that when you reincarnate, no matter what you come back as, you maintain your gender. Sharon disagreed but had no real argument to support her belief. She’s not right all the time. In fact, she may tell you sometime that HER religion is “Yiddish.” Anyway, back to me…there’s something you don’t know. My name is Tedi as in the “bear,” right? Get it? I was once a ninja-fighting bear. It’s true. Check out my website: http://www.tedionline.com/